Thank you to those well-wishers, those naive members of society, who imagined I could pull off attending a college where people’s English consists of “Are you hungry?” and “What’s your name?” without a hitch.

Imagination, however, fails completely in the face of the realities of the Exchange Student.

Yesterday, I screwed up so magnificently, at some point I had no choice but to simply lean back and admire the complete mess that had become my reputation, and smile as I watched my dignity float away. I never imagined I could be quite so humbled in the span of 24 hours (or less!), but nevertheless.

Getting to school was one thing. I was nearly late, because I suddenly imagined I was wearing the wrong shirt (remember what I said about imagination?), and tossed on the dark blue one before leaving. Half an hour later, after my teacher and advisor had already fussed over my outfit–untucking the shirt, repinning things, adjusting the belt–I stood under the Thai flag, before hundreds of young students in crisp white, botching their native language and accepting a pin on the right–no, left–no, right side of the shirt which the pin shouldn’t be worn on from the director of the college. With as of yet wet hair.

Welcome to Ashiwa. Hope you don’t screw up this badly Tuesday.

Then, off to the Mother’s Day ceremony, where I:

Didn’t know where to sit, and had three four teachers physically drag me into a spot. In the front of the room.
Screwed up a ceremony I didn’t know I would be performing, while the director, acting as my mother in this whole disaster, smiled kindly and said things like, “These are pretty wreaths of flowers, aren’t they?” Yes. They would be greater if I knew how to actually give this thing to you. The only thing worse at that moment would be me either
A) falling off the small podium upon which the ceremony was, in front of a sort of shrine to the Queen
B) having toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my foot
C) having a really bad sneeze straight onto the director’s skirt
D) all of the above.

Luckily, that’s where my misfortune ended, as a couple of very nice Thai students helped me through the rest of the day without too much of a problem, minus the language barrier. But when Pat and Noy and I all realized we all knew who Golf Mike, Harry Potter, YamaPi, and Johnny’s Jr.s were, things turned north. They want to take me to the mall and show me around sometime soon. Friends! ^_^ And there was that very smooth guy up in the English room. He chose a more personal approach than being in a room of boys (in the art department, coincidentally where I will be studying drawing–familiarity, oh thank God. I can do that.) and shouting, “You’re beautiful!” This one actually made me feel cute. Always nice.

But alas, that was only as a break.

That night, Monica came over. We spoke fast English, ate Oreos, and went all out crazy over our weird experiences. Then she joined us for dinner.

Dinner was to honor Ama as part of the Mother’s Day thing (which, by the way, is officially the 12th, the Queen’s Birthday. You’ll hear more after those ceremonies.). I sat with Aor, Ing, and Monica at our own table. The food was wonderful–cashew chicken! This beef stuff with tofu, cabbage, and seaweed! Crunchy stuff with yummy dressing!–until they brought out the fish.

Which looked straight at Aor as she dug into its belly, crunching things off its spine and chewing on them happily.

Monica and I had a quick discussion over this oddity, and finally ended up explaining to two very confused Thai girls that our food didn’t look at us.

“So the head bothers you?” Aor asked after I stared at it for a little while.

“Yes.”

She smiled.

Moments later, she had cracked off the head of the fish and was playing with it. I was laughing with my eyes closed, at one point, after Monica had run from it. Then, I opened them.

Fish lips were a mere two inches from my nose. I screamed and my chair shuffled back. Thus started the joke. Chase Holly with the fish head! It’s great! She runs away! Oh. How fun. (I was laughing, but I really didn’t want the thing to touch me.) “He loves you! What’s that, fish? Oh, you want to marry her!” My host sister has entered my black list.

It was interrupted by the presenting of flowers to Ama, and let’s just say I didn’t learn enough that morning about that particular tradition. Screwed up. Naturally. Fortunately, I was keen enough to celebrate my miss. Though I don’t know if it just looked really disrespectful. I don’t want to think about it anymore.

Then the fish head started back. Finally, I was driven out the door, and I complained in Japanese to Obachan, who agreed and giggled the entire way. Then Ing chased me.

The deck had an extra little step in it I didn’t see. It was at an angle, and quite possibly the most deceiving place to put a three inch difference in height. So I fell. In front of everyone.

At that point, I called it. “Now. Now, I have lost all dignity.”

But I had fun. That helps a little, I suppose. I really had fun.

Sigh.